It's Mooby Time!

As my old tennis buddy Melanie said once, when a naked Chris Rock falls out of the sky, you know it’s a good time. And what about Salma Hayek in pigtails and a plaid skirt with a stripper pole between her legs? And Matt Damon laying waste to a bunch of good-for-nothing corporate whores by blowing them away at point blank range? Only Kevin Smith could (or, perhaps, would) bring scenes like those into a movie about Christianity. But then again, why shouldn’t saving the world be a good time?

Of course, every religiously affiliated good time needs a symbol, so Dogma gives us the Buddy Christ. George Carlin, as Cardinal Ignatius Glick, introduces the Buddy Christ statue in the context of retiring the crucifix and replacing it with something a little more friendly in order to attract new faithful to Catholicism. Carlin’s reassuring tone and broad gestures as he speaks at the podium are more those of a politician than those of a priest, which creates a rather slimy character. And then, when the Buddy Christ statue is unveiled, sheer absurdity takes over. The idea of Christ performing a cheesy wink while pointing at the congregation with both hands is fabulous because it’s so far off from everything that the crucifix stands for. Should the prevalent symbol of the faith say “remember my suffering” or some combination of “heaaaaaaay” and “what up, yo?” It’s a tough question.

And there are other tough questions. For instance, how should the Christian faithful deal with the problem of corrupt corporate CEOs who make gobs of money by doing reprehensible things? The clear answer, of course, is to list back to them aloud their most heinous sins in front of their co-workers, taunt them with a voodoo doll, then blow them away with a handgun. I wonder what Kevin Smith was doing when he came up with that one. Maybe he was thinking of what he should do as he sat in the comfort of his spot on the pew some Sunday morning and looked across the aisle at some guy who beat up his sister (who, oddly enough, plays the Caged Animal Masturbator in Clerks) and put sugar in his gas tank while pretending to be a good Catholic. While these certainly wouldn’t be the worst of what people pretending to be good Catholics have done over the course of history, I could understand why Kevin Smith would then come up with something like the aforementioned corporate scene where Matt Damon blows away all but one of the Mooby’s board of directors.

But from the blowing away corporate guys scene, Salma Hayek’s stripper scene takes up the panache a level. As Serendipity, Hayek plays a muse, an inspirer of others. In this case, as she says, she inspires idiots to empty their wallets. It is clear what words do no do justice to the glasses with pigtails and plaid skirt look that she has going on in that scene, but something can be said for her practical knowledge of Christian tradition and her lack of fear in applying it even in the face of the massive Golgothan. After all, there’s nothing like a gorgeous stripper who then turns out to be quite intelligent and full of all kinds of practical tips about saving the world. I do remember that it’s Silent Bob who actually lays waste to the Golgothan, but I recall Serendipity hiding under the bar preparing some kind of holy water and alcohol bomb. She’s so practical, that one. And isn’t it absurd how the Golgothan itself actually looks kind of cute when it finally emerges from the bathroom stall? If it weren’t a shit-demon, I might almost think that it was someone’s crazy manimal-style pet. Ah, the face and little ears of evil.

Beyond its bizarre take on good and evil, though, what I like about Dogma above all is its treatment of Christianity as not only a complex system of thought, but also as a way of life that involves some fun and excitement. I think that it’s quite nice considering what so many people think of as “Christianity” these days.